of ending it......

Sunday of last week, I gave up.... I lost the battle.
She said either I give up courting, loving and having any feelings for her or keep those things going and risk losing her...
forever...
I've scared her, made her afraid and feel unsafe around her....I am sorry for making you feel so and you have forgiven me, thankfully. All it took was me stopping, I never saw It properly, how It was always about me keeping at It, not wanting to give up, but at the cost of driving her away. If I really did care for her I'd let go.
And some well spoken words of advice from V did help shake me out of my 5 year long dream-scape.
And so, I let go...
With a heart so heavy with knowing all these years of what I've believed in, held on to, had such strong faith, prayed for, bout love overcoming all barriers, were quite untrue...
My faith in that four letter word has crumbled like a wall, seemingly sturdy but only to be taken down so easily because of shoddy construction materials.
My believe in that four letter word is pretty much gone, it feels like a lie, my home is a lie, my family is a lie.
Now its back to feeling nothing, I'm now a rock once more, rocks feel nothing, even when kicked about, even when they are cracked and broken in two, even in the hot sun or under the cold and heavy rain. Well, at least I'll be stable, no fluctuations from when I'm happy after seeing or hearing from you...and no being sad like during those times when I was shut out.
Just nothing now...
I wonder what do I do with that unopened bottle of wine and also the also unopened bottle of Absolut Apeach vodka, be reminded both are mine, wine I snagged from..somewhere and vodka given to me.
Shall I down both at the same time and be rid of them. Drink for the first time in my life and be probably totally wasted, alone..
Life was easy way back when I felt nothing, even though my home and family were already lies then, but it was easy to be nothing.
So much for a partial wanting to prove that I'll not be like my fucking old man.
Not because mother keeps jabbering away in my ear bout 'Don't grow to be like him', oh shutthefuck up already, you just never will shut your fuck of a mouth will you, its either bout this or bout you being right all the fucking time 'cos you're the mother and wuek,wuek,wuek,wuek and bout a whole load of other poppy-fuck-cock that anyone else would have died from listening a long time ago, just sick of it. It seems I've terpesong story.
I don't wanna be like him cos if I do, I bloody know Its gonna cause a shit load of pain, that I don't want to see repeated, I wanted to love and make the person I gave my love to feel like she hit the jackpot in "The Hubby Lottery". But I guess that's all out the window, down the steep hill and into the deep ravine, because I'm a rock now, and rocks don't feel anything, even love.
Fuck you cupid, go suck on your love tipped arrows for a change and maybe you just might fall in love with yourself, take a step back and literally fuck your own cherub face..

Getting rid of these feelings are like asking a bird to fly after removing it's wings... I guess It'll still live, If it's being fed, but functioning as a bird would be off.
So ya, I'll stop, I'll give up, but the wings are going to be hard to remove or insanely hard.
If anyone of you knows of where I can get the same procedure like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, please tell me...end my misery by wiping me. There'll be no 'Meet me in Montauk' like in the ending.
Just a blank slate.


The End.