of holding onto this moment you know..!

Solid lyrics.. *thumbs up*,
feel it through and through..

of some gambars

Since getting my hands on borrowing sister's camera, been around taking pictures here and there, wanna share some with ya'll, harap suka.. :)

More to come in time...

of ending it......

Sunday of last week, I gave up.... I lost the battle.
She said either I give up courting, loving and having any feelings for her or keep those things going and risk losing her...
forever...
I've scared her, made her afraid and feel unsafe around her....I am sorry for making you feel so and you have forgiven me, thankfully. All it took was me stopping, I never saw It properly, how It was always about me keeping at It, not wanting to give up, but at the cost of driving her away. If I really did care for her I'd let go.
And some well spoken words of advice from V did help shake me out of my 5 year long dream-scape.
And so, I let go...
With a heart so heavy with knowing all these years of what I've believed in, held on to, had such strong faith, prayed for, bout love overcoming all barriers, were quite untrue...
My faith in that four letter word has crumbled like a wall, seemingly sturdy but only to be taken down so easily because of shoddy construction materials.
My believe in that four letter word is pretty much gone, it feels like a lie, my home is a lie, my family is a lie.
Now its back to feeling nothing, I'm now a rock once more, rocks feel nothing, even when kicked about, even when they are cracked and broken in two, even in the hot sun or under the cold and heavy rain. Well, at least I'll be stable, no fluctuations from when I'm happy after seeing or hearing from you...and no being sad like during those times when I was shut out.
Just nothing now...
I wonder what do I do with that unopened bottle of wine and also the also unopened bottle of Absolut Apeach vodka, be reminded both are mine, wine I snagged from..somewhere and vodka given to me.
Shall I down both at the same time and be rid of them. Drink for the first time in my life and be probably totally wasted, alone..
Life was easy way back when I felt nothing, even though my home and family were already lies then, but it was easy to be nothing.
So much for a partial wanting to prove that I'll not be like my fucking old man.
Not because mother keeps jabbering away in my ear bout 'Don't grow to be like him', oh shutthefuck up already, you just never will shut your fuck of a mouth will you, its either bout this or bout you being right all the fucking time 'cos you're the mother and wuek,wuek,wuek,wuek and bout a whole load of other poppy-fuck-cock that anyone else would have died from listening a long time ago, just sick of it. It seems I've terpesong story.
I don't wanna be like him cos if I do, I bloody know Its gonna cause a shit load of pain, that I don't want to see repeated, I wanted to love and make the person I gave my love to feel like she hit the jackpot in "The Hubby Lottery". But I guess that's all out the window, down the steep hill and into the deep ravine, because I'm a rock now, and rocks don't feel anything, even love.
Fuck you cupid, go suck on your love tipped arrows for a change and maybe you just might fall in love with yourself, take a step back and literally fuck your own cherub face..

Getting rid of these feelings are like asking a bird to fly after removing it's wings... I guess It'll still live, If it's being fed, but functioning as a bird would be off.
So ya, I'll stop, I'll give up, but the wings are going to be hard to remove or insanely hard.
If anyone of you knows of where I can get the same procedure like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, please tell me...end my misery by wiping me. There'll be no 'Meet me in Montauk' like in the ending.
Just a blank slate.


The End.

of the keropok!

My new sem is about to start, and registration was yesterday.
A course mate of mine from Terengganu was kind enough to get me this!!!!!

Keropok Lekor!!!!! No its not made from baby meat...

Plus he gave me some "Terengganu Sambal" which he packed in a peanut butter jar for me, he let me have sniff at it, and I got so high, I flew past cloud 9, cloud 69 and even cloud 99, ok that was pure babble, so ya back to the sambal, celup the keropok with it and makan, crispy outside soft and chewy inside,

Pedas Bin Sedap...!!!

very different from the keropok lekor the mak cik used to sell in school, school's one kinda tough to bite off a piece and chew, this one no prob.
Now you see 4 packs in the picture right? Well at this moment, only 3 pack tinggal, 1 pack i telan de.....
Its all the packs, all mine...mine,mine,mine!
*gobble,gobble,gobble!!*

I suppose its like my next addition to me list of Trashpan's Comfort Foooods!
the usuals are Ice cream, chocs, gummy bears etc, etc... and Keropok lekor...wheee.....




Ps: Kongratulasi to my dear couzzy, Kabi Bear!
       The man got an intern spot with 8TV !
        Go forth me young padawan, may the TV be with youu...
      Sit vis nobiscum.

of unrequited love

Kate Winslet's character Iris said this in the movie, The Holiday, well written by the scriptwriters alright..

I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. 
Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. 
Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had.
I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. 
It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. 
For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. 
And then, there's another kind of love:
the cruelest kind. 
The one that almost kills its victims. 
Its called unrequited love. 
Of that I am an expert. 
Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. 
And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. 
These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! 
All the usual symptoms. 


“Love is the most beautiful of dreams and the worst of nightmares.”-William Shakespeare

"Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love."-Charlie brown

My boy Charlie, we could both be good friends you know, you can of times that you were spurned and I can speak of mine.

This kinda love could kill?! good grief.....


You know, Ying Ping, like I told you the other day, I really wish I had eaten more of it back then. Problem would've been solved.

of believing

I couldn't have said it any better Mr. Yamin....

of being unforgiven

Once more you've tried to talk me into giving up on you, I really am sorry for making you feel unsafe being around me. But why me, why'd I fall for you so much, and you have no wanting to give us any chance at all, will you always be attracted to guys who break your heart, who put their computer games ahead of you, maybe its time you put aside your sense of attraction to those kinds, not that I'm questioning your taste, but maybe that attraction is blinding you from seeing one who really does want to be with you for real, who will never want to break your heart. Look past this brown un-attractive face... You say, there was never any feelings on your part to begin with, maybe its because you strictly never allowed your heart any when it came to me. You seem to hold on to your heart so tightly when it comes to me i feel.
If I were to be with you, I'd wanna grow old and grey with you, even as i gaze at your wrinkly aged face, I'd still see the beautiful you that I fell for all those years ago.
Please don't leave me unforgiven as i am now.
You feel I'm not emotionally stable enough for you. Well improving my self in that sense for you, just to make you feel secure around me would be a task I'd gladly do if only you gave the chance to do so.
Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, right?
I've never loved at all as compared to you, you're a veteran, I'm the newbie, so of course if you left me I'd be hurt but so will you i suppose, then again you're better equipped and experienced to handle the hurt, who wouldn't feel hurt if they parted with a loved one, but at least if we tried everything to make it work, and in the end if it didn't moving on is what I'd rightfully do, not mope around for losing you, but it would still hurt some way.
Doesn't me feeling this for so long and for the same unwavering manner count for something at all, that in the future you can count on my sense of loyalty.
 Maybe it's also because your parents would be totally against it, the reason it being the colour of my skin.
Well my mum once told me no to trust chinese girl's as your girlfriend, they'll only be after you money. C'mon, not every one of them could possibly be like that, well, I found 1 at least that's lively, full of ambition for her life ahead, independent, could make a life of her own as well without the help of anyone else, has all the potential of a loving person, who's a real sweet banana! She may say she's a lazy ass but doesn't everyone have some lazy ass-ness in them as well, she may say she's not the kinda girl she would date if she were a guy, but that's why she's the girl, so that a guy with proper sense WILL date her and love her good and proper, and give her the security, love and harmony of a long lasting relationship.
Anything that's worth having, just like this now, is always worth fighting for what i believe.
If Thomas Edison listened to those people who told him to give up whenever he messed up on his invention of the light bulb, we'd be living the nights by candle light till today, ok well maybe someone else much later on would've invented it as well, but still, he believed he could do it, he needed to do it, he wanted to do it.
I do too.
I'm not asking for you to develop or feel anything overnight, I'm just stating my case as strongly as possible, I may seem like a total long shot in your mind, but long shots do pay off you know.
I need to believe, you taught me to feel, ok you must be wondering "Huh? I taught you to feel?", before falling for you, i never felt much for anything, i did feel some good amounts of joy in early childhood, nut later on I just became numb to everything, a dad who irreparably  messed things up big time, and mum and sis which I barely connect with at all.
You made me feel again, just by being yourself.
I believe I can win your heart, or I'll die trying...

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

The greater man is not the man who can seduce a million women in his lifetime, but the man who can hold onto ONE forever.

The Best things in life are worth waiting for... fighting for... believing in... and just never letting go of!..

of knowing when

If somehow you could find out when you were going to die, would you like to know or would you just let it be and leave it as death's li'l treasure to find you.
I think i would like to know, even though some might say if i knew, I'd be dreading the day, and feverishly counting down the days till the chest pump gives out.
But i guess i'll put that aside, and make the remaining days whether many or few, count.
Just live like you were dying, i guess.
I'll go jump the highest bungee jump in the world, i forgot where exactly it is, but i remember seeing it on an episode of the amazing race, hmmm, speaking of the amazing race, maybe i'll put out the best audition tape for the amazing race asia, and win the race itself.
I suppose knowing when you're gonna "blah" sorta makes you invincible in some way, like you're unbeatable, no one can take you down, Grrrr...!
I'll show a loved one lotsa love, more than what i have shown her, ever. Show her the side of me that has cared for her all these years, but a side she has never actually seen in the open, thanks to me bein awfully *blush* to show it....
Pinch my mom's cheeks real good!!! hehe!
Just live out loud, but depends on when exactly my expiry date comes along la, if its soon then mesti la tekan minyak enjoy kuat-kuat, but if its still a long way to go then i guess enjoy kuat-kuat anyway, but in a gradual manner.
Assuming its a long way off, then i guess, i'll do that bucket list sorta thingy,
get a vespa, a dark green one, a mini cooper the old school model in blood red, a nice li'l 2 storey terrace house, with a nice lawn with carpet grass with a big shady mango tree and them old cast iron swings people usually have, love those! Can put out a blanket on the lawn at night at watch the stars or laze on a deck chair in the evenings under the mango tree.
Well along with the house, even though in some way it would be fun to live alone, but i guess sharing that lovely home with a lovely wifey would be the cherry on the cake.
But if i were to die before me wifey does, then i'd be *sobs* heart broken, knowing i'll be leaving her behind all alone. *waaahhh!*  :(
I'd suddenly be the most insane footy player, amongst friends that is, cos i'd be fearless mate!! Tackles would be crisp, clean and hard!
We're "supposed" to live each day like it was our last, but unless you know its your last, very few people actually do. I think it would change the monotony of my day to day living.
 I'll smoke weed at leaaaaaaaaast once and maybe twice if its really as good as its hyped up to be.  :P